Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Matt Damon talks to Sarah Palin Haters

I guess you are really happy that my anti-American bit of self stroke movie - The Green Zone- isn't even making pop corn money at the box office. Huh? Come on, admit it, you fascist Palin bootlicker. What you don't get is that as a 40 year old actor who can pass himself off as 25, I can make any damn movie I want. Next year, I might make a movie about transgender migrant workers called Salsa Mascara. See as a Hollywood intellectual and big shot, making light of working kids sacrifices in a war, is my right! And by the way Palin believes that Dinosaurs protected the Baby Jesus in the manager! I read it in Mother Jones. I am a graduate of Cambridge Latin, the almost prep school in Cambridge, and of Harvard. All right, I did not graduate from Harvard, but only because I had to perfect my craft scoring with beach bimbos in Santa Cruz And you better stop writing that my gym teacher in high school only wrote me a letter of recommendation to Harvard because he liked to look at my legs when I did deep knee bends. I got a hot Latina wife now, so there!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

How to be an intellectual - First Steps from unasked contributors

First you have to have the proper name. I chose "Brooks". "Brooks" evokes the formerly smoked filled rooms of the Yale Club where conversations are birthed over a warm Scotch and soda. Deliberately WASPY. As the house conservative of the New York Times, I just had to hide my family origins in Eastern Europe. After all, my bio picture has me in tweed.

David Brooks- New York Times

Yes, I agree with David. I changed my name to Stewart- though I was thinking of "Viacom's Voltaire"- until my agent said it made me sound like a wrestler- for much of the same reasons. "Jon" - the clipped form of Jonathan, suggesting urbanity, careful wit, and intelligence- sets atop "Stewart" like a cherry on a sundae.

Jon Stewart- Comedy Central

You both have a point. I was not taken seriously for years because I had a first name suggesting a garden figure.

Noam Chomsky

God Damn it! Stewart stole my first name. Now I have to go back to Beechum.

Jon Meacham- Editor of Newsweek

You should choose an Indian Name. Then you can say things like " The patient man disregards life's laxatives"- and everybody will think you are a genius.

Deepak Chopra - Nirvana (Hotel and Casino)

I have the best name for a intellectual. And I actually went to Yale, unlike Maher who went to Cornell. Allright I did change my last name to Cavett from Cavity, but my first name is Dick! Do you blame me.

Dick Cavett - SunnyDale Rest Home