Friday, January 29, 2010

Readers Respond

Ok, so we made up alot of stuff about the Himalayas melting. But you know how hard it is to raise money for UNICEF. Anyway, what we are not telling you is that a large asteroid is heading towards Earth. This will happen by 2025. Everybody who has not bought the UN Model #45 Asteroid shelter - featuring waterless toilets, Yoga Prayer Mat, and teak wood paneling- will perish. You can purchase your own , safely tucked away in a salt mine in Hungry- for 859,000$ on our installment plan.
UN Secretary at large- Charles Rogaine Of Mylanta

Am I liberal or a progressive? I am confused. I am at Harvard now. Is that good too? What do I have to read to be a progressive? My agent said Newsweek, the New Yorker, or the Jungle Book. But I think he is pulling my leg.
Ashley Judd

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Feds set date for carp meeting from the Detroit Free Press

The White House will tackle the problem of rogue Carp with local officials.

You expect any meeting between groups and the White House to be "fishy".

Meanwhile, civil rights activists argue that any attempt to limit the movements of "immigrant" fish is an abomination.

" Tell me", said Ida Mae Crapp, of Human And Animals United for Sexual Congress," If these were Sunfish, or Flounder trying to get into the Great Lakes, would there be a problem. But because they are Asian, xenophobia raises its ugly head".

Obama backs Israel, also sympathetic to Palestinians From Reuters

And some say the President is not decisive.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Bad liberal Writing- John Meacham, Boy- Editor of Newsweek

I love Sewanee, an Episcopal university tucked away on 13,000 rural acres.... It is a place where students and faculty wear academic gowns to class.... Modernity intrudes with a single full-time traffic light on campus, but for years that incursion was ameliorated by the sight of a professor of religion's cat taking a daily nap on the street directly beneath the light. (John Meacham, Newsweek, writing on the Liberal Arts)

Deep down you know it kills him he didn't go Harvard. Or even Brown. I mean going to college down south makes him practically a tea bagger.

Be careful losing yourself in tortured thoughts of modernity around the traffic light when you cross the campus or you might end up substituting your academic gown for a hospital one.

When liberals revolt From CNN

When are liberals not revolting?

Monday, January 25, 2010

Most Union Members Now Work for U.S. Gov't Fox Nation

So you better pay your taxes or you could have a little accident- you know - maybe a wheel comes off your car because we don't pave your roads with the stimulus cash.

And maybe you want to check that little box on your return that sends a cash donation for the presidential election, because we get our feelings hurt when you don't.

And you don't want us to feel bad. When we feel bad, things happen. You know like there's a hurricane, but our good friends at FEMA, we get them to wait until they finish lunch before they send the helicopters- you know, we union people, are entitled to our lunch.

Or maybe we kinda lose your unemployment request behind the photo copier. Or that Social Security check shows up in Bedford, Mass instead of Bedford, New York.

Environmentalists sue over state attack on Moth- Sacremento Bee

In a lawsuit filed Tuesday, two Northern California groups want to stop the state's agriculture department from using a chemical sexual attractant to disrupt the male moth's pursuit of the female.

Meanwhile, Gay groups are asking if homophobia might behind the lawsuits.

Lakers visit White House, meet President Obama From Los Angeles Times

Both the Secret Service and the White House are trying to figure out how 12 six foot four men, carrying excercise bags, were able to breach security, and make it into the Oval Office without an invitation.

Hope for Berkely Students?

A group of Berkeley, Calif. residents filed a lawsuit against 37 University of California, Berkeley fraternities Tuesday, alleging that the fraternities have made their neighborhood on the southern edge of UC Berkeley’s campus a “miserable” place to live, the Contra Costa Times reported. (From the Dartmouth)

At first, we thought the Berkely college kids were leaving their Yoga mats out obstructing traffic, or rabid Vegans were breaking into the local bar and replacing the clam dip with Soy extract; but No! These kids are partying around the clock. We thought Berkeley students protested around the clock. ( At least the 43 year old undergraduate types do).

Attorneys for the fraternities told the Contra Costa Times that the organizations were committed to preventing these incidents, but that it is unfair to blame organizations for the behavior of individuals.

So there - remember that next time you protest police brutality, or think the Tea Party people are racists.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

New York Dairy Farmer Kills 51 Cows, Commits Suicide From the Associated Press

PETA plans memorial service.

Signs of Terror in Liberal Land

In Cambridge I’m surrounded by disappointed and upset people now so I’m not feeling that isolated,’’ Annabel Gill, shift manager at 1369, said Wednesday as she fashioned an elegant leaf design in the foam of a skim milk latte. “But it is a little unsettling to realize that more people in this state want to vote [Republican] than I would have suspected, so that does make me feel a little isolated.’’ ( From the Boston Globe)

My God! You can almost hear the strains of John Philip Sousa in the background as the Republican Party Converges on Cambridge replacing whole milk for skim milk in the latte shop, and banning nutmeg tarts for good old american oreos. And then marching down to the food coop and defiling the sanctity of the place with a snickers wrapper.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Obama receives custom-made football helmet in Ohio from the Washington Post

Unfortunately, it does not come with a custom made mouth guard.

Ted Kennedy Home for Sale In Washington

(From the Listing circular)

Located on the best block in the premiere neighborhood of Kalorama, if not the best block in all Washington, this historic house defines entertainment. Whether dinners for national and international dignitaries, fundraising receptions, celebrated birthday parties, or family gatherings, many a special event and special people have graced this elegant residence. Its stately exterior and grand rooms, however, do not compromise its function as a family home. Warmth, light and serenity fill every room."

However, the liquor cabinet needs to be replaced. But the garage has never been used. Owner does admit the carpeting in the master bedroom is worn down to the wood. Per the lease, new owner must allow use of guest bedroom for the Kennedy clan if they get stuck in Washington and "need to crash" when they are "not feeling it", or are "plastered to the ninth degree". House is said to be haunted by Joan Kennedy who comes by at night and screams "Where are my keys", and "Teddy, I know you and Jack are hiding in the spare room with that that whore from the El Morocco again".

Obama- Lincolnesque as always

"I am not going to walk away just because it's hard," Obama said at a town hall in Elyria, Ohio. (CNN)

However, the secret service did urge him to move behind the podium at least, for God's sake Mr.President.

Shocked Democrats vow health care reform rebound following loss of Ted Kennedy's Senate seat From The Daily News

They mean "shocked" as in Electric Shock therapy

Thursday, January 21, 2010

They really believe this crap? or are liberals really that Stupid

"On the other hand, if Joe had gotten in and won, the Democrats might not have the wake-up call they need.” Kathleen Townsend Kennedy, on what would have happened if her brother Joe had run in the Massachusetts Senate Race instead of District Attorney Martha Coakley- as quoted in the Daily Beast.

Well, I guess there's a silver lining in everything if you are a Kennedy- after all, they have the money to wait for the revolution.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

U.N. Panel's Glacier-Disaster Claims Melting Away From Fox News

The U.N. is taking heat for its claim that the Himalayas will vanish by 2035 due to global warming; The UN admitted it did not get this claim from peer reviewed studies.

The U.N. may have taken a piece of its report from Carrie W. Snodgrass of Ohio Country Day's sixth grade class, who posted her entry to the Ohio Harvest Newspaper's "Little Sprouts Writing Competition", to the web.

Her essay " The Himalayas will be gone by 2035 if we don't compost soon" was also cited by Al Gore in An Inconvenient Truth.

"I am so sorry for the trouble I caused. And the funny thing is I hate biology", Ms. Snodgrass explained.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Hate Mail- Horrible Liberal Hate Mail!

Your blog is racist. Racist Sir! You don't even use the word "Negro" once. Which means you don't make distinctions between different types of black people, and that means you are not liberal, which makes you a racist.

Harry Reid- Capital Building

My name is not Martha Coakley- it is Martha Choakley--- the emphasis is on Choke. You are a are a stupid sexist big pig. And Yes! I am married. No Lesbian Jokes.

Martha Coakley- Candidate for Dogcatcher 2013 (See now you have me doing it!)

I would like to point out I am a comedian. I am funny. Really. Just yesterday, I stuck two toothpicks in my nose, pretended to be a walrus at Arbys, and asked two Nuns who was sexier St. Augustine or St. Aquinas. They didn't know!!

Bill Maher

Sarah Palin is a fascist. Yesterday, she was spotted at Filene's basement ripping a Coakley button off a seven year old progressive. Teresa says Palin's a fascist, because Palin is a size 4 or less. And I believe Teresa- after all, she's a size 14, so she's gotta be a good American. Right. Though its not too much fun to go body surfing with her. Especially when those damn tourists go whale looking off the coast of our summer place.And start snapping her picture. And she takes it out on me later. Believe me.

John Kerry

You just make up these letters. My agent told me so. And No, I am not posing naked with an Arctic fox for PETA. I am posing naked with an Elephant. And those elephant trunks are cold. And they are horny for such big animals. But we gotta make sure it stays cold for those Elephants up there in Alaska.
Ashley Judd

Monday, January 18, 2010

Turkey releases gunman who shot pope in 1981 Los Angeles Times

When turkish authorities were told that his first act as a free man was to buy a one way ticket to Disneyland, and a can of gasoline, they reportedly responded "Uh-oh".

Meanwhile Attorney General Eric Holder is interested in asking the released gunman if he would like to sit in on the jury for the trials to be held in New York for the 9/11 conspirators. "He brings a unique experience as both a perpetuator and a victim of terrorism- I mean a turkish jail- I saw Midnight Express when I was in college, and boy- I never looked at a shower the same way"

Liberal "Genius" Patrick Kennedy

Providence seeks federal money for Knowledge District Providence JournalMayor David N. Cicilline’s administration, working with the city’s hospitals, universities and business community, has submitted to U.S. Rep. Patrick J. Kennedy’s office a plan that outlines the level of infrastructure investments needed to develop a thriving Knowledge District.

Patrick Kennedy, who came out publicly for Senate candidate Martha Coakley and called her Marsha repeatdly, who crashed his car into the capital steps and didn't even try to cushion the blow by heading for water like dear old dad, and does oxy as fast as teenagers eat raisinettes at the local AMC theater, is trying to start a Knowledge District?

Kennedy starting a Knowledge District- he should start off with Fantasyland.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Obama Seeks to Save Senate Seat, Health Vote From ABC News

The White House denies it has hired a shamman to "chanel" the late Senator Kennedy as a last minute write in in the Massachusetts Special Election

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Windpipe transplanted after being grown in woman's arm

However, this follows by some years Joy Behar's lip transplant grown from her rectum, american doctors were quick to point out.

Can sex offenders be held after serving criminal sentences? From CNN

Sure but You think a hug is really going to satisfy them

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

In Reversal, Jaguar Habitat Will Be Protected - The New York Times

The Fish and Wildlife Service says there are no known jaguars in the United States today. The last jaguar known to exist within the nation’s borders died last March.

However, there are nearly 5,000 in Mexico, and more ranging as far south as Argentina and Paraguay

Leave it to liberals to ban any land development in case animals decide to vacation in the United States. Whats next? Putting aside oil and gas rights in Montana in case the Mastodon returns.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

More Reid Quotes from Game Change (Satire)

Senator Harry Reid, already under fire for his "poor choice" of words in describing President Obama's speech patterns as lacking in "negro dialect", may well face additional flack as the press looks into these following quotes:

(Page 93) "Mario's little boy Andrew Cuomo- New York's Attorney General- could be governor of New York. I really think that. I mean you get an Italian, and the rare one who is an honest one at that, and they know how to fight crime- must be the DNA"

(Page 101) "Mexicans are the most hardworking people. The wife and I love to go to Mexico. They are just the most wonderful hardworking constituents I have, and I would love to fast track them to citizenship. Besides, where else are you going to get a maid for under 60 bucks a week."

(Page 125) "Governor Charlie Crist, the only Republican I like. You know he's a Greek. Those guys built the Parthenon. And you gotta think, the way those Greeks make salad, with the feta and anchovies, and all the restaurants they got- well, they are all about serving the public"

(Page 161) " Well, you know, women are great in public service. Feingold, Boxer, Pelosi- they all overcame -not being men- to take leads in our Democratic Party. Can't cook, but can they serve up a committee hearing like no body's business."

Friday, January 8, 2010

Andrea Mitchell Logs Most Face Time During the '00s- from AOL

It is kinda of ironic that Andrea Mitchell's face is plastered all over the tube; we thought her husband Alan Greenspan either made her wear a bag over her head or an Ayn Rand mask to bed.

Biden talks Up Trains- Liberals Reading List

Why American needs Trains From the Huffington Post

Biden interviews Thomas the Tank Engine no doubt. Riding Amtrak makes Biden an expert on transportation. Like seeing Russia from her house.

Hanes Drops Charlie Sheen from AOL

Is in negotiations with the crotch bomber- brand needs something a little more explosive to get its message across

Bombing suspect provided 'actionable intelligence,' White House says From CNN

And as a reward, the White House gave him an orange slurpee, and promised to read him a story from the Arabian Nights

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Sarah's Emails

Palin Hater's holy grail is to find something somewhere that will discredit Sarah Palin personally- you know, sexy pictures, evidence of murder, or government malfeasance evidenced in her personal emails.

There is a whole cottage industry in Alaska of left wing doughnuts filing freedom of information acts to get at Palin's emails while governor.

The Huffington Post, fed by the Alaska Dispatch ( a progressive "true" Alaskan zine where the arugula set meets the walrus) today released shocking "discovered" emails.

So eager are the loonies to twist what are normal conversations, albeit political, into political attacks that the results are laughable. For example, the "reporter", sees something sinister in Governor Palin refusing to meet with the Alaska head of the Foundation for North American Wild Sheep, who had had sex with an underage girl. And this meeting had been requested by a government agency.

Poor Sheep denied representation.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Stop! Look! Read! Headline Clippings

Electronic Arts to keep Tiger Woods sponsorship deal From the National Post

However, the game originally titled "Tiger Woods, PGA Tour 10", will be changed to "18 Ho's of Golf"

OIL FUTURES: Crude Inches Toward $82 On Demand Recovery Hopes From Market Watch

No word yet if 2010 will be unduly "Windy", but the Obama Administration is confident we can save money if all 300 Million of us blow into a large pinwheel.

Moussaoui's conviction upheld from The Washington Post

Attorney General Eric Holder is distressed, and vowed to continue fighting for terrorists everywhere.