Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Armed man tries, fails to rob Amish couple upstate (AP)

The police admit that reports of a large swarthy man with a pin in his nose seen carrying away two quarts of cider from barn raising event- were ignored.

"We didn't want to be accused of profiling", said Captain Moosberger of the Lancastershire police." Though he sure didn't look Amish"

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Al Gore slams Rumors

Listen, I have not been having an affair.

First, having sex burns 25 calories per 5 minute. That's a waste of energy! And as you sweat during sex, you release carbon dioxide. And let me tell you, with my love handles, I have way too much skin with which to poison the earth.

Would I chance a quickie to satisfy my own lust, and kill a Pelican in the process?

Its all in my new book, The Tipper point- Sex, Sweat, and Global Warming.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Sir Paul McCartney defends knocks about George Bush

hey bloke- I got me every right to make some jokes about poor old King George Bush. So don't be knocking me right too - by changing my songs around- like I sees on this here blog. Lennon did not writ any of them, I did it all me self. See, I am an intellectual now, I've been knighted by the bloody Queen- I am whats called an idiot servant, or cervantes, I think. I would knock your Palin loving teeth into the backside of your head but I left me Depends on me jet. Ever since I got the animal rights religion in me soul, I eat so much salad I compose me music in the water closet.

And don't you be saying I ripped off black music- I did, but I wrote Ebony and Ivory , I say.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

McCartney Is Honored at White House - The New York Times

We all live in a black jet stream, a black jet stream....

Now shake up it up BP now, shake it up BP, belch that silt, belch that silt...

Black Bilge spilling in the dead of night...

Well, the sea is now unclean- you know what I mean, and the way it looks, well beyond repair...

That long and winding lode that leads to the shore, will never disappear....

Sarah Silverman Comments- Exclusive

Hello, you racist, big, slob-

I see you are writing your blog again. You have an audience of eleven, so you really don't concern me. My book has topped over 87 sold. Ok, forty of those was to the 92 Street Y in New York.

Sarah Palin is a dope. I, however, write learned books about my overcoming bed wetting. My literary agent is hoping I come down with fibroids soon so we can post a sequel.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Jane Fonda on Sarah Palin

She is a dummy- she is uniformed. She is being used by conservative males to put a pretty face on the regressive, paleolithic culture of angry white Republican men.

Palin is a clueless woman. Forty years ago Palin would have been posing high on a Viet Cong tank not knowing the communists were using her for propaganda purposes- and to grab a quick peek up her skirt.

Now I have to go- they are filming my yoga video and the lighting has to be just dark enough so my varicose veins don't pop thru my leotard.Hey at least I am not pushing sixties retreads for Time Life music like my brother Peter- I hate it when he shows up on my set humming Steppenwolf, and making a "vroom vroom" noise and gripping the Director's chair like handlebars.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

More Horrible Hate Mail!

Dear Scum:

You are probably some religious cracker crawling on your belly with a semi- automatic between postings. Conservatives are violent racists. We progressives believe in racial equality and affordable housing- unless it is on the upper West Side of Manhattan, near the "Coop" in Harvard Square, or anywhere near Rodeo Drive. I interact with all sorts of minorities at Barnard college all the time- I order takeout a lot . My boyfriend - Trace- has a really good friend named Rasta Jean who gives us lots of pills really cheap. So anyway I hope you die a violent death choking on your own vomit.

Have a nice Day!

Risa "Beeper" Fleishman

I think we have exposed Sarah Palin, and the "Tea Party" for the racists they are. You argue that the absence of audio or video of anything remotely resembling racists rants from Tea Party meetings is ambiguous; Liberals, Sir, do not need evidence. None of our political philosophy is based on reality or practical experience. So get a big hemorrhoid and drop a big stool, you fascist pig.

Anthony SoterGod- Berkeley class of 1990,Performance Artist.

I have been at Harvard now for six months. Yesterday, in my intro physics class, the upperclassman had me squirt water over my shirt and jump up and down to learn how gravity affects tidal water. I bet you think the world is round, and want to kill all the wolves just like Sarah Palin. Well, its flat, that's what my TA told me, that's why we walk standing up-- otherwise we would roll right over the edge! I bet Sarah Palin doesn't know that!

Ashley Judd, Harvard

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Matt Damon talks to Sarah Palin Haters

I guess you are really happy that my anti-American bit of self stroke movie - The Green Zone- isn't even making pop corn money at the box office. Huh? Come on, admit it, you fascist Palin bootlicker. What you don't get is that as a 40 year old actor who can pass himself off as 25, I can make any damn movie I want. Next year, I might make a movie about transgender migrant workers called Salsa Mascara. See as a Hollywood intellectual and big shot, making light of working kids sacrifices in a war, is my right! And by the way Palin believes that Dinosaurs protected the Baby Jesus in the manager! I read it in Mother Jones. I am a graduate of Cambridge Latin, the almost prep school in Cambridge, and of Harvard. All right, I did not graduate from Harvard, but only because I had to perfect my craft scoring with beach bimbos in Santa Cruz And you better stop writing that my gym teacher in high school only wrote me a letter of recommendation to Harvard because he liked to look at my legs when I did deep knee bends. I got a hot Latina wife now, so there!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

How to be an intellectual - First Steps from unasked contributors

First you have to have the proper name. I chose "Brooks". "Brooks" evokes the formerly smoked filled rooms of the Yale Club where conversations are birthed over a warm Scotch and soda. Deliberately WASPY. As the house conservative of the New York Times, I just had to hide my family origins in Eastern Europe. After all, my bio picture has me in tweed.

David Brooks- New York Times

Yes, I agree with David. I changed my name to Stewart- though I was thinking of "Viacom's Voltaire"- until my agent said it made me sound like a wrestler- for much of the same reasons. "Jon" - the clipped form of Jonathan, suggesting urbanity, careful wit, and intelligence- sets atop "Stewart" like a cherry on a sundae.

Jon Stewart- Comedy Central

You both have a point. I was not taken seriously for years because I had a first name suggesting a garden figure.

Noam Chomsky

God Damn it! Stewart stole my first name. Now I have to go back to Beechum.

Jon Meacham- Editor of Newsweek

You should choose an Indian Name. Then you can say things like " The patient man disregards life's laxatives"- and everybody will think you are a genius.

Deepak Chopra - Nirvana (Hotel and Casino)

I have the best name for a intellectual. And I actually went to Yale, unlike Maher who went to Cornell. Allright I did change my last name to Cavett from Cavity, but my first name is Dick! Do you blame me.

Dick Cavett - SunnyDale Rest Home

Friday, February 26, 2010

Dick Cavett Responds to "Going Rogue"

It is a very deplorable, very deplorable, state of affairs, when a book by Sarah Palin is given as much time in the news, as health care. C'est merde, as Satre might well have said that a dunce can command the national stage when I - Dick Cavett- am reduced to writing a blog for the Times and selling DVDs of my fifty year old show on the Shopping network. ($4.95 gets you the episode where Katherine Hepburn and I play Twister while reciting Robert Frost!)

I strain my Midwestern turned Yale graduate brain so much that I fear the creaking of grey matter slowing oozing through my ancient ears. How is it possible? How is it possible, as Emerson no doubt would have wondered looking up from his quill, that Cavett is old and finished: Am I such a joke that "dogs do bark at me on the street" (Richard III, Shakespeare), while Palin is like a Woolworth inspired Venus rising from the dark, damp streets of middle America.

I had my own show once where I played the sage to the high and sundry, the infamous, and famous, the artist and the cabby, the fruit and the veg table, the giraffe and the lion, the penis and the vagina, the moth and the flame.....

Well, at least the Times pays me a small stipend so I don't have to use my toaster for my electric shock therapy anymore.

Monday, February 22, 2010

White House Easter Egg Roll might be filled with 'Glee' from USA Today

True, "Glee" is from a Fox show, but its a good group, and we prefer to celebrate what this administration does best, which is to "roll" the American public", said Chloe Y. Midia, White House deputy spokeswoman.

Seth MacFarlane Comments on Sarah Palin Controversy exclusive to this blog

Dear Mr. Tart:

While your blog has only a readership of seven, I am taking to the opportunity to defend my creation "Family Guy" here, because since you are obviously a right wing nut, we don't want you driving a fertilizer truck into our production studios, do we?

As a fan of Sarah Palin, you are unhinged. It is our duty to mock middle America to keep people's minds off vegans, rich venture capitalists who pay no taxes and give liberally to the ACLU and the Sierra club, Harvard types who get scholarships to go to law school so they can defend terrorists, and Hollywood activists who have the IQ power of a night light.

We were not mocking Sarah Palin's baby by having the character, a mentally challenged individual, say her parents were " an accountant and the ex governor of Alaska". As progressives, we are not that unkind.

We were saying that its OK to make fun of Sarah Palin because she is the mother of a down syndrome baby. Its a divine punishment. ( Even though we don't believe in God). As in " Too bad about the baby Sarah, what a downer" (ha, ha)

Further its OK, to make fun of parents who have autistic children ("Did he come with his own GPS" Ha, Ha). Or if a baby is given the wrong IV fluid. ("Too bad, the nurse didn't have a cork", ha-ha). Just like if parents had a baby who was born with no brain stem. ("Well look at the bright side, no student loans, huh"-ha,ha).

I hope this clears up this controversy. Middle America just has to understand that no talent progressives are given TV shows for a reason, and with a little effort , you too, ignorant as you are, can understand our humor.

Also, please tell Bill Maher to stop calling my home phone and asking if I have Dr. Pepper in a Can.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Bill Maher Reacts

Dear Blog Editor of Sarah Palin Haters- Do they speak Austrian

As a funny man, and intellectual, as a form of life beyond your comprehension, I am allowed to make insulting comments about Sarah Palin and her baby.


Have you heard of J.D Salinger. Great writer. Possibly one of the greatest writers of the last decades of twentieth century. Well, he was half Irish, and half Jewish.

See! I am half Jewish, and I am half Irish. Got it. I am a great intellectual. And I am funny. Do you think Kant did pratfalls? I can do pratfalls. I can make funny noises, and throw my voice so nobody knows. I once made a fart noise while Alan Greenspan was discussing economics with Chris Mathews and Arianna Huffington at a salon gathering. Boy, Greenspan turned beet red; and Andrea Mitchell was mortified. Then I put a fart bag under Mitchells seat- and all the time I kept discussing Jean Genets "The Maids' with her without batting an eye.

True, I only went to Cornell- the lesser of the "Ivy League". But only because the Nuns were against me and rewrote my college essay to Harvard in crayon.

So stick it! You and your blog!

(By the way we do not give out tickets to my HBO show. Nobody would come. We tell stupid tourists to LA that they are going on a reality show, and whoever laughs the loudest gets a BMW.)

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


We, the members of the Alaskan Peoples Alliance in Opposition to Palin (APAOP), take issue you with your blog. Sarah Palin is really dumb; she may worship Satan; she probably killed a 94 year old village elder in 1971 riding her tricycle during the Wasilla Pioneer Day Parade (press clippings report a Susan Palmer, no doubt doctored); and the gas pipeline was not her idea, but was thought of by Barack Obama and Joseph Kennedy iii, after "chilling" together in the Village Vanguard in 1983 after some really good "toasties". (see Joseph Kennedy, "My Life, My Family, Famous Carwrecks and Other HiJinks")

Ann A. Ahole, Spontaneous Group c/o The White House.

The midtown animal shelter would like to take the oppertunity to report that Joy Behar is fine. Ms Behar was bought to us with a can of dole mixed fruit stuck on her face. No doubt Ms. Behar was foraging with the other cats when the can become lodged on her snout. We think it is miracle that she was not hit by a car as the fruit can obstructed her eyes. We hope people will remember that recycling will save other catty animals from injury by keeping dirty cans away from them.

Midtown Animal Shelter, New York, New York

Obama spokesman Robert Gibbs tweets for posterity

Then promptly lays an egg

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Rule Britannia!

"Try coughing up phlegm before sex or avoid having sex in the morning when it's likely you will be producing more phlegm" ( Advice from the British Lung Fondation as quoted from the BBC, to people with compromised lung capacity).

Though the article allows you one cigarette after intercourse as a "treat".

Article also warns that having sex with Maureen Dowd, Joy Behar, Arianna Huffington or any of the other Monistat Mammas of the Left, you will cough up phlegm during sex, with or without a lung condition.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

New jobs bill draft floated by US Senate from The Detroit Free Press

Floated as in promptly sank. The way they farm out goodies to unions and other friends, they should dub this bill the Good Ship Lollipop.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Imperalism looking better by the day

"I call on the whole country: 'Switch off the lights.' We are facing the worst drought Venezuela has had in almost 100 years," Chavez said in what appeared to be a new radio version of his long-running "Hello Mr. President" TV show on Sundays.
Chavez said the program would always be preceded by the sound of a harp playing local folk-music. "When you hear the pluck of a harp on the radio, maybe Chavez is coming. It's suddenly, at any time, maybe midnight, maybe early morning."
(from Reuters)

How can a vibrant country swimming in oil be in such a horrible state? Maybe leftist hollywood dorks like Sean Penn, the faculty at Columbia University, or scattered high IQs in the Obama Administration- who understand these things- can explain to us dumbos how a loser like Chavez is lauded by liberal activists? And greeted as a legitimate leader by our President.

We don't know which is worse. Rolling blackouts or the TV programming that comes with it. Could you imagine having a fat dictator who looks like a condom stretched over a tree stump telling you to turn off your lights to the tune of a Pan Pipe. What do they call this Venezualan programming- Dick at Night?

Why Is Lindsay Lohan Posing as Jesus? From Fox Nation

Obama is busy that day

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Gibbs Scrawls Grocery List on Hand in Jab at Palin From Fox News

The joke fell flat, the Press Corps admitted, and would have been funnier, the same Press Corps argued, if Gibbs had not written "Left" on his "Right" hand.

The White House, pointed out that Gibbs often confuses right and left.

"Gibbs also thinks "Um" is a noun", said one insider speaking off the record," And always takes Bo's poop out the left exit of the oval office to the great lawn, which is for Ambassadors. The right exit is for trash. Ever try explaining to a pissed off Chinese diplomat why his slippers look like an oil slick".

Sunday, February 7, 2010

More Liberal Readers Respond!

Sarah Palin is a dummy. She took 100,000 for a speech!. Why, I get three hundred thousand per speech, and I don't even believe what I am saying.
Al Gore

I am not stupid. I was let into Harvard. The Admissions committee said they were really impressed and the tuition would only be 800,000$ per semester, they would let me make a 1,000,000 $ donation to the Harvard Wolf Refuge for victims of aerial hunting, though they said they would build it "really soon". They also said it would be a good idea if I donated a urine and stool sample to the Harvard Square Woman's Health Study Clinic. I am still not sure what furniture has to do with health study.
Ashely Judd

I am not a bitch! I used to show William Safire my thong all the time. He would get real red, but at the time, he needed to know what a thong was to write about the Clinton Monica scandal. So see- I help people all the time. And no, an abridged copy of my book " Are men really necessary" is not being handed out with Trojan's new vibrator. Ok, when I was dating Micheal Douglas, I did once tape his member to his stomach, when he was sleeping, but only because he made me watch "Romancing the Stone" five times when we had sex.
Maureen Dowd- New York Times

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Los Angeles County declines to force condom use in porn films From The Los Angeles Times

"As an artist, I need freedom to fully sychronize heart and limb, passion and flesh, towards a pulsating and erect performance, so to speak", said Manny "Gonad the Barbarian" Toppit on the set of " Coeds of Thigh High".

" As long as I get paid, he can wear a sock for all I care", added his co-star Wanda Flo Lay.

Brains of vegetative patients show life From the Los Angeles Times

Several were judged releasable to vote in the Illinois Democratic Primary.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Is the New York Times Bigoted? Nah!

What was in doubt was how the jury would react to the defense’s attempts to portray the killer as somehow less culpable because of his fevered opposition to abortion and his outrage that abortion rights are constitutionally protected in this country ( The New York Times on the Jury in the abortion murder trial)

Whew! The Times was aghast that on the jury there was not one vegan, or an environmentalist, or a performance artist , or anybody who attended an ivy league school or at least Syracuse. They were doubly nervous when the jury sent out for Dunkin Donuts instead of Starbucks! But the jury got it right, a midwest jury at that!

Obama to push for jobs, small-business lending in New Hampshire From CNN

That's right. Jobs only for New Hampshire and they better not screw the White House like Nebraska.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Obama to Field Questions on YouTube From ExecutiveGov

And then First Dog Bo will play the Piano. "He doesn't really play the piano", White House Spokeswoman Chloe Y. Midia said," He just bangs on the keys with his paws. We want to be up front on that. But pet lovers- almost twenty million voting americans- will love it".

Friday, January 29, 2010

Readers Respond

Ok, so we made up alot of stuff about the Himalayas melting. But you know how hard it is to raise money for UNICEF. Anyway, what we are not telling you is that a large asteroid is heading towards Earth. This will happen by 2025. Everybody who has not bought the UN Model #45 Asteroid shelter - featuring waterless toilets, Yoga Prayer Mat, and teak wood paneling- will perish. You can purchase your own , safely tucked away in a salt mine in Hungry- for 859,000$ on our installment plan.
UN Secretary at large- Charles Rogaine Of Mylanta

Am I liberal or a progressive? I am confused. I am at Harvard now. Is that good too? What do I have to read to be a progressive? My agent said Newsweek, the New Yorker, or the Jungle Book. But I think he is pulling my leg.
Ashley Judd

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Feds set date for carp meeting from the Detroit Free Press

The White House will tackle the problem of rogue Carp with local officials.

You expect any meeting between groups and the White House to be "fishy".

Meanwhile, civil rights activists argue that any attempt to limit the movements of "immigrant" fish is an abomination.

" Tell me", said Ida Mae Crapp, of Human And Animals United for Sexual Congress," If these were Sunfish, or Flounder trying to get into the Great Lakes, would there be a problem. But because they are Asian, xenophobia raises its ugly head".

Obama backs Israel, also sympathetic to Palestinians From Reuters

And some say the President is not decisive.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Bad liberal Writing- John Meacham, Boy- Editor of Newsweek

I love Sewanee, an Episcopal university tucked away on 13,000 rural acres.... It is a place where students and faculty wear academic gowns to class.... Modernity intrudes with a single full-time traffic light on campus, but for years that incursion was ameliorated by the sight of a professor of religion's cat taking a daily nap on the street directly beneath the light. (John Meacham, Newsweek, writing on the Liberal Arts)

Deep down you know it kills him he didn't go Harvard. Or even Brown. I mean going to college down south makes him practically a tea bagger.

Be careful losing yourself in tortured thoughts of modernity around the traffic light when you cross the campus or you might end up substituting your academic gown for a hospital one.

When liberals revolt From CNN

When are liberals not revolting?

Monday, January 25, 2010

Most Union Members Now Work for U.S. Gov't Fox Nation

So you better pay your taxes or you could have a little accident- you know - maybe a wheel comes off your car because we don't pave your roads with the stimulus cash.

And maybe you want to check that little box on your return that sends a cash donation for the presidential election, because we get our feelings hurt when you don't.

And you don't want us to feel bad. When we feel bad, things happen. You know like there's a hurricane, but our good friends at FEMA, we get them to wait until they finish lunch before they send the helicopters- you know, we union people, are entitled to our lunch.

Or maybe we kinda lose your unemployment request behind the photo copier. Or that Social Security check shows up in Bedford, Mass instead of Bedford, New York.

Environmentalists sue over state attack on Moth- Sacremento Bee

In a lawsuit filed Tuesday, two Northern California groups want to stop the state's agriculture department from using a chemical sexual attractant to disrupt the male moth's pursuit of the female.

Meanwhile, Gay groups are asking if homophobia might behind the lawsuits.

Lakers visit White House, meet President Obama From Los Angeles Times

Both the Secret Service and the White House are trying to figure out how 12 six foot four men, carrying excercise bags, were able to breach security, and make it into the Oval Office without an invitation.

Hope for Berkely Students?

A group of Berkeley, Calif. residents filed a lawsuit against 37 University of California, Berkeley fraternities Tuesday, alleging that the fraternities have made their neighborhood on the southern edge of UC Berkeley’s campus a “miserable” place to live, the Contra Costa Times reported. (From the Dartmouth)

At first, we thought the Berkely college kids were leaving their Yoga mats out obstructing traffic, or rabid Vegans were breaking into the local bar and replacing the clam dip with Soy extract; but No! These kids are partying around the clock. We thought Berkeley students protested around the clock. ( At least the 43 year old undergraduate types do).

Attorneys for the fraternities told the Contra Costa Times that the organizations were committed to preventing these incidents, but that it is unfair to blame organizations for the behavior of individuals.

So there - remember that next time you protest police brutality, or think the Tea Party people are racists.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

New York Dairy Farmer Kills 51 Cows, Commits Suicide From the Associated Press

PETA plans memorial service.

Signs of Terror in Liberal Land

In Cambridge I’m surrounded by disappointed and upset people now so I’m not feeling that isolated,’’ Annabel Gill, shift manager at 1369, said Wednesday as she fashioned an elegant leaf design in the foam of a skim milk latte. “But it is a little unsettling to realize that more people in this state want to vote [Republican] than I would have suspected, so that does make me feel a little isolated.’’ ( From the Boston Globe)

My God! You can almost hear the strains of John Philip Sousa in the background as the Republican Party Converges on Cambridge replacing whole milk for skim milk in the latte shop, and banning nutmeg tarts for good old american oreos. And then marching down to the food coop and defiling the sanctity of the place with a snickers wrapper.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Obama receives custom-made football helmet in Ohio from the Washington Post

Unfortunately, it does not come with a custom made mouth guard.

Ted Kennedy Home for Sale In Washington

(From the Listing circular)

Located on the best block in the premiere neighborhood of Kalorama, if not the best block in all Washington, this historic house defines entertainment. Whether dinners for national and international dignitaries, fundraising receptions, celebrated birthday parties, or family gatherings, many a special event and special people have graced this elegant residence. Its stately exterior and grand rooms, however, do not compromise its function as a family home. Warmth, light and serenity fill every room."

However, the liquor cabinet needs to be replaced. But the garage has never been used. Owner does admit the carpeting in the master bedroom is worn down to the wood. Per the lease, new owner must allow use of guest bedroom for the Kennedy clan if they get stuck in Washington and "need to crash" when they are "not feeling it", or are "plastered to the ninth degree". House is said to be haunted by Joan Kennedy who comes by at night and screams "Where are my keys", and "Teddy, I know you and Jack are hiding in the spare room with that that whore from the El Morocco again".

Obama- Lincolnesque as always

"I am not going to walk away just because it's hard," Obama said at a town hall in Elyria, Ohio. (CNN)

However, the secret service did urge him to move behind the podium at least, for God's sake Mr.President.

Shocked Democrats vow health care reform rebound following loss of Ted Kennedy's Senate seat From The Daily News

They mean "shocked" as in Electric Shock therapy

Thursday, January 21, 2010

They really believe this crap? or are liberals really that Stupid

"On the other hand, if Joe had gotten in and won, the Democrats might not have the wake-up call they need.” Kathleen Townsend Kennedy, on what would have happened if her brother Joe had run in the Massachusetts Senate Race instead of District Attorney Martha Coakley- as quoted in the Daily Beast.

Well, I guess there's a silver lining in everything if you are a Kennedy- after all, they have the money to wait for the revolution.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

U.N. Panel's Glacier-Disaster Claims Melting Away From Fox News

The U.N. is taking heat for its claim that the Himalayas will vanish by 2035 due to global warming; The UN admitted it did not get this claim from peer reviewed studies.

The U.N. may have taken a piece of its report from Carrie W. Snodgrass of Ohio Country Day's sixth grade class, who posted her entry to the Ohio Harvest Newspaper's "Little Sprouts Writing Competition", to the web.

Her essay " The Himalayas will be gone by 2035 if we don't compost soon" was also cited by Al Gore in An Inconvenient Truth.

"I am so sorry for the trouble I caused. And the funny thing is I hate biology", Ms. Snodgrass explained.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Hate Mail- Horrible Liberal Hate Mail!

Your blog is racist. Racist Sir! You don't even use the word "Negro" once. Which means you don't make distinctions between different types of black people, and that means you are not liberal, which makes you a racist.

Harry Reid- Capital Building

My name is not Martha Coakley- it is Martha Choakley--- the emphasis is on Choke. You are a are a stupid sexist big pig. And Yes! I am married. No Lesbian Jokes.

Martha Coakley- Candidate for Dogcatcher 2013 (See now you have me doing it!)

I would like to point out I am a comedian. I am funny. Really. Just yesterday, I stuck two toothpicks in my nose, pretended to be a walrus at Arbys, and asked two Nuns who was sexier St. Augustine or St. Aquinas. They didn't know!!

Bill Maher

Sarah Palin is a fascist. Yesterday, she was spotted at Filene's basement ripping a Coakley button off a seven year old progressive. Teresa says Palin's a fascist, because Palin is a size 4 or less. And I believe Teresa- after all, she's a size 14, so she's gotta be a good American. Right. Though its not too much fun to go body surfing with her. Especially when those damn tourists go whale looking off the coast of our summer place.And start snapping her picture. And she takes it out on me later. Believe me.

John Kerry

You just make up these letters. My agent told me so. And No, I am not posing naked with an Arctic fox for PETA. I am posing naked with an Elephant. And those elephant trunks are cold. And they are horny for such big animals. But we gotta make sure it stays cold for those Elephants up there in Alaska.
Ashley Judd

Monday, January 18, 2010

Turkey releases gunman who shot pope in 1981 Los Angeles Times

When turkish authorities were told that his first act as a free man was to buy a one way ticket to Disneyland, and a can of gasoline, they reportedly responded "Uh-oh".

Meanwhile Attorney General Eric Holder is interested in asking the released gunman if he would like to sit in on the jury for the trials to be held in New York for the 9/11 conspirators. "He brings a unique experience as both a perpetuator and a victim of terrorism- I mean a turkish jail- I saw Midnight Express when I was in college, and boy- I never looked at a shower the same way"

Liberal "Genius" Patrick Kennedy

Providence seeks federal money for Knowledge District Providence JournalMayor David N. Cicilline’s administration, working with the city’s hospitals, universities and business community, has submitted to U.S. Rep. Patrick J. Kennedy’s office a plan that outlines the level of infrastructure investments needed to develop a thriving Knowledge District.

Patrick Kennedy, who came out publicly for Senate candidate Martha Coakley and called her Marsha repeatdly, who crashed his car into the capital steps and didn't even try to cushion the blow by heading for water like dear old dad, and does oxy as fast as teenagers eat raisinettes at the local AMC theater, is trying to start a Knowledge District?

Kennedy starting a Knowledge District- he should start off with Fantasyland.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Obama Seeks to Save Senate Seat, Health Vote From ABC News

The White House denies it has hired a shamman to "chanel" the late Senator Kennedy as a last minute write in in the Massachusetts Special Election

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Windpipe transplanted after being grown in woman's arm Telegraph.co.uk

However, this follows by some years Joy Behar's lip transplant grown from her rectum, american doctors were quick to point out.

Can sex offenders be held after serving criminal sentences? From CNN

Sure but You think a hug is really going to satisfy them

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

In Reversal, Jaguar Habitat Will Be Protected - The New York Times

The Fish and Wildlife Service says there are no known jaguars in the United States today. The last jaguar known to exist within the nation’s borders died last March.

However, there are nearly 5,000 in Mexico, and more ranging as far south as Argentina and Paraguay

Leave it to liberals to ban any land development in case animals decide to vacation in the United States. Whats next? Putting aside oil and gas rights in Montana in case the Mastodon returns.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

More Reid Quotes from Game Change (Satire)

Senator Harry Reid, already under fire for his "poor choice" of words in describing President Obama's speech patterns as lacking in "negro dialect", may well face additional flack as the press looks into these following quotes:

(Page 93) "Mario's little boy Andrew Cuomo- New York's Attorney General- could be governor of New York. I really think that. I mean you get an Italian, and the rare one who is an honest one at that, and they know how to fight crime- must be the DNA"

(Page 101) "Mexicans are the most hardworking people. The wife and I love to go to Mexico. They are just the most wonderful hardworking constituents I have, and I would love to fast track them to citizenship. Besides, where else are you going to get a maid for under 60 bucks a week."

(Page 125) "Governor Charlie Crist, the only Republican I like. You know he's a Greek. Those guys built the Parthenon. And you gotta think, the way those Greeks make salad, with the feta and anchovies, and all the restaurants they got- well, they are all about serving the public"

(Page 161) " Well, you know, women are great in public service. Feingold, Boxer, Pelosi- they all overcame -not being men- to take leads in our Democratic Party. Can't cook, but can they serve up a committee hearing like no body's business."

Friday, January 8, 2010

Andrea Mitchell Logs Most Face Time During the '00s- from AOL

It is kinda of ironic that Andrea Mitchell's face is plastered all over the tube; we thought her husband Alan Greenspan either made her wear a bag over her head or an Ayn Rand mask to bed.

Biden talks Up Trains- Liberals Reading List

Why American needs Trains From the Huffington Post

Biden interviews Thomas the Tank Engine no doubt. Riding Amtrak makes Biden an expert on transportation. Like seeing Russia from her house.

Hanes Drops Charlie Sheen from AOL

Is in negotiations with the crotch bomber- brand needs something a little more explosive to get its message across

Bombing suspect provided 'actionable intelligence,' White House says From CNN

And as a reward, the White House gave him an orange slurpee, and promised to read him a story from the Arabian Nights

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Sarah's Emails

Palin Hater's holy grail is to find something somewhere that will discredit Sarah Palin personally- you know, sexy pictures, evidence of murder, or government malfeasance evidenced in her personal emails.

There is a whole cottage industry in Alaska of left wing doughnuts filing freedom of information acts to get at Palin's emails while governor.

The Huffington Post, fed by the Alaska Dispatch ( a progressive "true" Alaskan zine where the arugula set meets the walrus) today released shocking "discovered" emails.

So eager are the loonies to twist what are normal conversations, albeit political, into political attacks that the results are laughable. For example, the "reporter", sees something sinister in Governor Palin refusing to meet with the Alaska head of the Foundation for North American Wild Sheep, who had had sex with an underage girl. And this meeting had been requested by a government agency.

Poor Sheep denied representation.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Stop! Look! Read! Headline Clippings

Electronic Arts to keep Tiger Woods sponsorship deal From the National Post

However, the game originally titled "Tiger Woods, PGA Tour 10", will be changed to "18 Ho's of Golf"

OIL FUTURES: Crude Inches Toward $82 On Demand Recovery Hopes From Market Watch

No word yet if 2010 will be unduly "Windy", but the Obama Administration is confident we can save money if all 300 Million of us blow into a large pinwheel.

Moussaoui's conviction upheld from The Washington Post

Attorney General Eric Holder is distressed, and vowed to continue fighting for terrorists everywhere.