Friday, February 26, 2010

Dick Cavett Responds to "Going Rogue"

It is a very deplorable, very deplorable, state of affairs, when a book by Sarah Palin is given as much time in the news, as health care. C'est merde, as Satre might well have said that a dunce can command the national stage when I - Dick Cavett- am reduced to writing a blog for the Times and selling DVDs of my fifty year old show on the Shopping network. ($4.95 gets you the episode where Katherine Hepburn and I play Twister while reciting Robert Frost!)

I strain my Midwestern turned Yale graduate brain so much that I fear the creaking of grey matter slowing oozing through my ancient ears. How is it possible? How is it possible, as Emerson no doubt would have wondered looking up from his quill, that Cavett is old and finished: Am I such a joke that "dogs do bark at me on the street" (Richard III, Shakespeare), while Palin is like a Woolworth inspired Venus rising from the dark, damp streets of middle America.

I had my own show once where I played the sage to the high and sundry, the infamous, and famous, the artist and the cabby, the fruit and the veg table, the giraffe and the lion, the penis and the vagina, the moth and the flame.....

Well, at least the Times pays me a small stipend so I don't have to use my toaster for my electric shock therapy anymore.

Monday, February 22, 2010

White House Easter Egg Roll might be filled with 'Glee' from USA Today

True, "Glee" is from a Fox show, but its a good group, and we prefer to celebrate what this administration does best, which is to "roll" the American public", said Chloe Y. Midia, White House deputy spokeswoman.

Seth MacFarlane Comments on Sarah Palin Controversy exclusive to this blog

Dear Mr. Tart:

While your blog has only a readership of seven, I am taking to the opportunity to defend my creation "Family Guy" here, because since you are obviously a right wing nut, we don't want you driving a fertilizer truck into our production studios, do we?

As a fan of Sarah Palin, you are unhinged. It is our duty to mock middle America to keep people's minds off vegans, rich venture capitalists who pay no taxes and give liberally to the ACLU and the Sierra club, Harvard types who get scholarships to go to law school so they can defend terrorists, and Hollywood activists who have the IQ power of a night light.

We were not mocking Sarah Palin's baby by having the character, a mentally challenged individual, say her parents were " an accountant and the ex governor of Alaska". As progressives, we are not that unkind.

We were saying that its OK to make fun of Sarah Palin because she is the mother of a down syndrome baby. Its a divine punishment. ( Even though we don't believe in God). As in " Too bad about the baby Sarah, what a downer" (ha, ha)

Further its OK, to make fun of parents who have autistic children ("Did he come with his own GPS" Ha, Ha). Or if a baby is given the wrong IV fluid. ("Too bad, the nurse didn't have a cork", ha-ha). Just like if parents had a baby who was born with no brain stem. ("Well look at the bright side, no student loans, huh"-ha,ha).

I hope this clears up this controversy. Middle America just has to understand that no talent progressives are given TV shows for a reason, and with a little effort , you too, ignorant as you are, can understand our humor.

Also, please tell Bill Maher to stop calling my home phone and asking if I have Dr. Pepper in a Can.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Bill Maher Reacts

Dear Blog Editor of Sarah Palin Haters- Do they speak Austrian

As a funny man, and intellectual, as a form of life beyond your comprehension, I am allowed to make insulting comments about Sarah Palin and her baby.


Have you heard of J.D Salinger. Great writer. Possibly one of the greatest writers of the last decades of twentieth century. Well, he was half Irish, and half Jewish.

See! I am half Jewish, and I am half Irish. Got it. I am a great intellectual. And I am funny. Do you think Kant did pratfalls? I can do pratfalls. I can make funny noises, and throw my voice so nobody knows. I once made a fart noise while Alan Greenspan was discussing economics with Chris Mathews and Arianna Huffington at a salon gathering. Boy, Greenspan turned beet red; and Andrea Mitchell was mortified. Then I put a fart bag under Mitchells seat- and all the time I kept discussing Jean Genets "The Maids' with her without batting an eye.

True, I only went to Cornell- the lesser of the "Ivy League". But only because the Nuns were against me and rewrote my college essay to Harvard in crayon.

So stick it! You and your blog!

(By the way we do not give out tickets to my HBO show. Nobody would come. We tell stupid tourists to LA that they are going on a reality show, and whoever laughs the loudest gets a BMW.)

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


We, the members of the Alaskan Peoples Alliance in Opposition to Palin (APAOP), take issue you with your blog. Sarah Palin is really dumb; she may worship Satan; she probably killed a 94 year old village elder in 1971 riding her tricycle during the Wasilla Pioneer Day Parade (press clippings report a Susan Palmer, no doubt doctored); and the gas pipeline was not her idea, but was thought of by Barack Obama and Joseph Kennedy iii, after "chilling" together in the Village Vanguard in 1983 after some really good "toasties". (see Joseph Kennedy, "My Life, My Family, Famous Carwrecks and Other HiJinks")

Ann A. Ahole, Spontaneous Group c/o The White House.

The midtown animal shelter would like to take the oppertunity to report that Joy Behar is fine. Ms Behar was bought to us with a can of dole mixed fruit stuck on her face. No doubt Ms. Behar was foraging with the other cats when the can become lodged on her snout. We think it is miracle that she was not hit by a car as the fruit can obstructed her eyes. We hope people will remember that recycling will save other catty animals from injury by keeping dirty cans away from them.

Midtown Animal Shelter, New York, New York

Obama spokesman Robert Gibbs tweets for posterity

Then promptly lays an egg

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Rule Britannia!

"Try coughing up phlegm before sex or avoid having sex in the morning when it's likely you will be producing more phlegm" ( Advice from the British Lung Fondation as quoted from the BBC, to people with compromised lung capacity).

Though the article allows you one cigarette after intercourse as a "treat".

Article also warns that having sex with Maureen Dowd, Joy Behar, Arianna Huffington or any of the other Monistat Mammas of the Left, you will cough up phlegm during sex, with or without a lung condition.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

New jobs bill draft floated by US Senate from The Detroit Free Press

Floated as in promptly sank. The way they farm out goodies to unions and other friends, they should dub this bill the Good Ship Lollipop.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Imperalism looking better by the day

"I call on the whole country: 'Switch off the lights.' We are facing the worst drought Venezuela has had in almost 100 years," Chavez said in what appeared to be a new radio version of his long-running "Hello Mr. President" TV show on Sundays.
Chavez said the program would always be preceded by the sound of a harp playing local folk-music. "When you hear the pluck of a harp on the radio, maybe Chavez is coming. It's suddenly, at any time, maybe midnight, maybe early morning."
(from Reuters)

How can a vibrant country swimming in oil be in such a horrible state? Maybe leftist hollywood dorks like Sean Penn, the faculty at Columbia University, or scattered high IQs in the Obama Administration- who understand these things- can explain to us dumbos how a loser like Chavez is lauded by liberal activists? And greeted as a legitimate leader by our President.

We don't know which is worse. Rolling blackouts or the TV programming that comes with it. Could you imagine having a fat dictator who looks like a condom stretched over a tree stump telling you to turn off your lights to the tune of a Pan Pipe. What do they call this Venezualan programming- Dick at Night?

Why Is Lindsay Lohan Posing as Jesus? From Fox Nation

Obama is busy that day

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Gibbs Scrawls Grocery List on Hand in Jab at Palin From Fox News

The joke fell flat, the Press Corps admitted, and would have been funnier, the same Press Corps argued, if Gibbs had not written "Left" on his "Right" hand.

The White House, pointed out that Gibbs often confuses right and left.

"Gibbs also thinks "Um" is a noun", said one insider speaking off the record," And always takes Bo's poop out the left exit of the oval office to the great lawn, which is for Ambassadors. The right exit is for trash. Ever try explaining to a pissed off Chinese diplomat why his slippers look like an oil slick".

Sunday, February 7, 2010

More Liberal Readers Respond!

Sarah Palin is a dummy. She took 100,000 for a speech!. Why, I get three hundred thousand per speech, and I don't even believe what I am saying.
Al Gore

I am not stupid. I was let into Harvard. The Admissions committee said they were really impressed and the tuition would only be 800,000$ per semester, they would let me make a 1,000,000 $ donation to the Harvard Wolf Refuge for victims of aerial hunting, though they said they would build it "really soon". They also said it would be a good idea if I donated a urine and stool sample to the Harvard Square Woman's Health Study Clinic. I am still not sure what furniture has to do with health study.
Ashely Judd

I am not a bitch! I used to show William Safire my thong all the time. He would get real red, but at the time, he needed to know what a thong was to write about the Clinton Monica scandal. So see- I help people all the time. And no, an abridged copy of my book " Are men really necessary" is not being handed out with Trojan's new vibrator. Ok, when I was dating Micheal Douglas, I did once tape his member to his stomach, when he was sleeping, but only because he made me watch "Romancing the Stone" five times when we had sex.
Maureen Dowd- New York Times

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Los Angeles County declines to force condom use in porn films From The Los Angeles Times

"As an artist, I need freedom to fully sychronize heart and limb, passion and flesh, towards a pulsating and erect performance, so to speak", said Manny "Gonad the Barbarian" Toppit on the set of " Coeds of Thigh High".

" As long as I get paid, he can wear a sock for all I care", added his co-star Wanda Flo Lay.

Brains of vegetative patients show life From the Los Angeles Times

Several were judged releasable to vote in the Illinois Democratic Primary.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Is the New York Times Bigoted? Nah!

What was in doubt was how the jury would react to the defense’s attempts to portray the killer as somehow less culpable because of his fevered opposition to abortion and his outrage that abortion rights are constitutionally protected in this country ( The New York Times on the Jury in the abortion murder trial)

Whew! The Times was aghast that on the jury there was not one vegan, or an environmentalist, or a performance artist , or anybody who attended an ivy league school or at least Syracuse. They were doubly nervous when the jury sent out for Dunkin Donuts instead of Starbucks! But the jury got it right, a midwest jury at that!

Obama to push for jobs, small-business lending in New Hampshire From CNN

That's right. Jobs only for New Hampshire and they better not screw the White House like Nebraska.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Obama to Field Questions on YouTube From ExecutiveGov

And then First Dog Bo will play the Piano. "He doesn't really play the piano", White House Spokeswoman Chloe Y. Midia said," He just bangs on the keys with his paws. We want to be up front on that. But pet lovers- almost twenty million voting americans- will love it".